Domatesin kabu\u011fuyla yenildi\u011fi zamanlard\u0131…<\/p>\n
Ertesi g\u00fcn okulun son g\u00fcn\u00fcyd\u00fc. G\u00fczel bir bahar ak\u015fam\u0131yd\u0131. Yatmaya haz\u0131rlan\u0131rken annem yar\u0131n Bar\u0131\u015f Man\u00e7o’nun konserine g\u00f6t\u00fcrece\u011fini s\u00f6yledi. Ah ne sevindim!.. Uyku tutmad\u0131. Hayaller kurdum sabaha kadar…<\/p>\n
Sabaha kar\u015f\u0131 babam\u0131n jilet gibi i\u00e7 i\u00e7e katlay\u0131p cebine koydu\u011fu iki be\u015flikten birini ald\u0131m. \u00c7ald\u0131m yani. \u00d6nl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmle yatm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m zaten, \u00e7antam\u0131 al\u0131p evden \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m. Bakkal\u0131n a\u00e7\u0131lmas\u0131n\u0131 bekledim, be\u015flik b\u00fcy\u00fck parayd\u0131; bir \u015fi\u015fko \u015fi\u015felik kola ald\u0131m, sonra bir tane daha ald\u0131m. \u00c7antama soteledim. Konserde i\u00e7ecektim. Havam binbe\u015fy\u00fcz. Sonra d\u00f6nd\u00fcm bir tane daha ald\u0131m, en yak\u0131n arkada\u015f\u0131ma da g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcm. \u0130stesem 6 tane daha al\u0131rd\u0131m, be\u015f lira b\u00fcy\u00fck parayd\u0131. \u00c7ok \u00fcst\u00fc artt\u0131, ayran i\u00e7tim, simit yedim. Simit \u0131smarlad\u0131m arkada\u015f\u0131ma. Sak\u0131z ald\u0131m.<\/p>\n
Bizim evde kola yasakt\u0131. Televizyon da yasakt\u0131. O y\u00fczden Altanlara gider kola i\u00e7er, televizyon izlerdim. Ya\u011fda k\u0131zarm\u0131\u015f b\u00f6rek yapard\u0131 G\u00fcl\u015fen Teyze, ohh mis bay\u0131l\u0131rd\u0131m onlara… Alt\u0131 karde\u015fler Altanlar. Her biri ayr\u0131 g\u00fczel insan. Sofrada yok yok… Sabahlar\u0131 okula giderken Altan’\u0131 almaya giderdim, bilirdim ge\u00e7 haz\u0131rlan\u0131yor, erkenden dayan\u0131rd\u0131m kap\u0131ya. Onu beklerken kahvalt\u0131 yapard\u0131k. Kalabal\u0131k ve “Sana” ya\u011fl\u0131, re\u00e7elli ekmeklere bay\u0131l\u0131yordum.<\/p>\n
Okulda herkese konseri s\u00f6yledim, gelen arkada\u015flar\u0131m varm\u0131\u015f zaten. Arkada\u015f\u0131m E\u015fek’i s\u00f6yledik \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015fa kadar. A\u00e7\u0131p a\u00e7\u0131p \u00e7antama kola duruyor mu diye bak\u0131yordum. Son ders hi\u00e7 ge\u00e7mek bilmedi…<\/p>\n
Zil \u00e7ald\u0131 ve ben ko\u015fmadan h\u0131zl\u0131 ad\u0131mlarla kolam patlamas\u0131n diye eve gittim. 4. kat\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131mda kap\u0131n\u0131n ard\u0131nda babam\u0131n burun deliklerini hayal ettim, o saatte evdeydi. Annemin her zamanki sakin durduran sesi; “D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcrm\u00fc\u015f olabilirsin Neco\u015f”<\/em> dedi. Kap\u0131y\u0131 a\u00e7m\u0131\u015ft\u0131m art\u0131k, gerisini tahmin etmi\u015ftim ama d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcrm\u00fc\u015f olabilirsin bana da iyi geldi. D\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015f olabilir ger\u00e7ekten. \u00dcst\u00fcme al\u0131nmad\u0131m. O an tek \u015feyi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm, \u00e7antay\u0131 nas\u0131l darbe almadan bir kenara koyabilirdim. San\u0131r\u0131m ayakkab\u0131l\u0131\u011fa b\u0131rakt\u0131m hemen, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc babam\u0131n h\u0131z\u0131n\u0131 herkes bilir, sa\u011f g\u00f6sterir sol vurur. Eli a\u011f\u0131rd\u0131r daha \u00f6nce sa\u011flam tokat yemi\u015fli\u011fim var, tecr\u00fcbelerim beni o an ka\u00e7maya planlad\u0131. Yer de akl\u0131mdayd\u0131, orada beni bulamazd\u0131. Araya annem girdi, dur demeye kalmad\u0131 bir tane yedim silleyi. Para \u00e7al\u0131nmaz diye a\u011fz\u0131ndan k\u00f6p\u00fckler \u00e7\u0131karak h\u00f6nk\u00fcr\u00fcyordu. Annem a\u011flamaya ba\u015flad\u0131. D\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcr, ben almad\u0131m dedim. \u00c7ocuk akl\u0131 i\u015fte, ak\u0131l edememi\u015fim ke\u015fke ikisini de alsaym\u0131\u015f\u0131m, i\u00e7 i\u00e7e olduklar\u0131 i\u00e7in d\u00fc\u015fse ikisi de d\u00fc\u015fece\u011finden biri kay\u0131p olunca ve sabah\u0131n k\u00f6r\u00fc bir tek ben evde olmay\u0131nca babam \u00e7akozlam\u0131\u015f tabii…<\/p>\n K\u00f6m\u00fcrl\u00fc\u011fe saklanmay\u0131 ba\u015fard\u0131m, uzunca bir kovalamacan\u0131n sonunda. Karanl\u0131k, pis, izbe, kara bir delik gibiydi. O g\u00fcn orada fare, b\u00f6cek, hayalet ne varsa b\u00fct\u00fcn korkular\u0131m\u0131 yendim. Birka\u00e7 kez ge\u00e7tiler yan\u0131mdan. Ama g\u00f6rmediler. Sonra nas\u0131l oldu hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorum, babam sakinle\u015fti, biz giyinip konsere gittik. Annem konuyu hi\u00e7 a\u00e7mad\u0131. Ara ara kafam\u0131 ok\u015fad\u0131. \u015eark\u0131lara e\u015flik etmem i\u00e7in te\u015fvik etti ama h\u0131rs\u0131z biri olarak can\u0131m hi\u00e7 istemiyordu. Kolay\u0131 da \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131p i\u00e7medim. Y\u00fcz karas\u0131 bir olay\u0131n ba\u015f kahraman\u0131 oydu. Ona da k\u00fcsm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm.<\/strong> Arkada\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fcm, el sallad\u0131lar, bir ara yan\u0131m\u0131za geldiler, konu\u015famad\u0131m. Sanki her \u015feyi biliyorlard\u0131.<\/p>\n Babam bana ders verdi, \u00f6yle d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc, cezas\u0131 a\u011f\u0131rd\u0131 her zamanki gibi. H\u0131rs\u0131zl\u0131k k\u00f6t\u00fc bir \u015feydi ve cezas\u0131 a\u011f\u0131r olmal\u0131yd\u0131 ki, bir daha yapmamal\u0131yd\u0131m… O da \u00f6yle g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015f, \u00f6yle \u00f6\u011frenmi\u015fti Gestapo b\u00fcy\u00fckbabadan. Sevgi g\u00f6stermeden sayg\u0131 ve korkuyla b\u00fcy\u00fct\u00fclm\u00fc\u015f \u00e7ocuklard\u0131lar ve \u00f6yle evlatlar\u0131 olmal\u0131yd\u0131. Korkard\u0131k evet, hem de \u00e7ok, ama aram\u0131zda ba\u011f hi\u00e7 olmad\u0131. Hatta zorla g\u00f6nderildi\u011fim Kuran kursu ve teravihlerde \u00e7i\u015fimin geldi\u011fine inanmam\u0131\u015flard\u0131, \u00e7ok tuttum ama en sonunda salm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. O da ay\u0131p, hatta g\u00fcnahlar\u0131n en b\u00fcy\u00fc\u011f\u00fcyd\u00fc.<\/p>\n Hemen yan apartmana ta\u015f\u0131nm\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. Tuvalet de\u011fi\u015fmi\u015fti, asriden alafrangaya ge\u00e7mi\u015ftik. Benim i\u00e7in \u00e7ok zordu neden bilmiyorum. Eski evin anahtar\u0131n\u0131 al\u0131p al\u0131p oraya gidiyordum ta ki babama yakalanana kadar… Bu sefer nas\u0131l \u00e7i\u015f tutulur e\u011fitimi verdim kendime, deli gibi tutup denemeler yapt\u0131m. Art\u0131k evden ba\u015fka hi\u00e7bir yerde tuvalete girmiyor, eve kadar tutabiliyordum. Sonra bir g\u00fcn 20’li ya\u015flarda ba\u011f\u0131rsaklar\u0131m\u0131n \u00fc\u00e7te ikisini ald\u0131lar. Hala ba\u015fka yerde giremiyorum..<\/p>\n Kom\u015funun babalar\u0131 daha iyi gelirdi. Annem tam tersi bir insand\u0131, 4 ya\u015f\u0131ma kadar emzirmi\u015f beni, abim 7 dese de! Her hatamda, her yanl\u0131\u015f\u0131mda yan\u0131mda durmu\u015f, kafam\u0131 ok\u015fam\u0131\u015f, a\u011flam\u0131\u015f ya da sar\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131… S\u0131cac\u0131k bir g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fc vard\u0131. K\u0131z\u0131l \u015fampuan kokan sa\u00e7lar\u0131… Deterjan kokan \u00e7ar\u015faflar\u0131… Ev hep temizlik kokard\u0131. Annem bende hep koku an\u0131lar\u0131 b\u0131rakt\u0131. Koklamak, koku, anne kokusu…<\/p>\n Bunlar\u0131 bunca y\u0131l hi\u00e7 hat\u0131rlamadan ya\u015fam\u0131\u015f olmama \u00e7ok \u015fa\u015f\u0131rd\u0131m. Ara ara karde\u015flerle toplan\u0131nca h\u0131yar gibi g\u00fclerek, “Hahahah para, evet evet para \u00e7alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, k\u00f6m\u00fcrl\u00fck evet evet hahahahhaha”<\/em> diye g\u00fcld\u00fck ge\u00e7tik \u00e7ok kez. Ama bir g\u00fcn anne olunca her okudu\u011fum kitapta ebeveynlikle ilgili ne varsa Nuh’u de\u011fil de kendimi buldum.<\/strong> T\u00fcm \u00e7ocuklu\u011fumla y\u00fczle\u015fmeye ba\u015flad\u0131m. Ne \u00e7ok \u015fey saklam\u0131\u015f beynim, ne \u00e7ok an\u0131m varm\u0131\u015f. Ne \u00e7ok travmam varm\u0131\u015f. Ne \u00e7ok \u015feyi bast\u0131rm\u0131\u015f, gizlemi\u015f, g\u00f6mm\u00fc\u015f\u00fcm. Ne \u00e7ok incinmi\u015fim. Hat\u0131rlamak istemiyorsan, hat\u0131rlam\u0131yorsun demek. Okuduk\u00e7a, \u00f6\u011frendik\u00e7e, y\u00fczle\u015ftik\u00e7e \u00e7ocuklu\u011fum ne enterasan geldi.<\/p>\n Anne olunca me\u011fer insan kendini do\u011furuyormu\u015f. Her \u015fey haf\u0131zamda canlanmaya ba\u015flad\u0131. Onca \u015fey beni bug\u00fcnk\u00fc Canan yapm\u0131\u015f. Annemle aramdaki o ayr\u0131lmaz, kopmaz ba\u011f belki de taaa o g\u00fcnlerden geliyor. 30 y\u0131l ayn\u0131 yatakta yatmak. Hala nefesinin nefesime can olu\u015fu.<\/p>\n Babam\u0131n bana verdi\u011fi ders i\u015fe yaram\u0131\u015f m\u0131yd\u0131; evet daha profesyonel \u00e7almay\u0131 \u00f6\u011frenmi\u015ftim.\u00a0 Ondan sonra \u00e7ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m iki seferki paralar\u0131 anlamad\u0131. Annemden hi\u00e7 \u00e7almad\u0131m. Belki de babam\u0131 ac\u0131tmak bana iyi geliyodu… Kim bilir ne d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyordum acaba…<\/p>\n \u015eimdi Nuh Deniz’le aramdaki ili\u015fkiye bak\u0131yorum, hi\u00e7 de babadan o\u011fula ge\u00e7en bir \u015fey olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Dayak atmak, tokatlamak, terbiye verme, a\u015fa\u011f\u0131lama, ba\u011f\u0131rma, a\u011flatma, k\u00fcst\u00fcrme, ceza verme, \u00f6d\u00fcl verme… Her \u015fey do\u011fal\u0131nda g\u00fczel. Bir g\u00fcn Nuh h\u0131rs\u0131zl\u0131k yapsa ne d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr\u00fcm, bilmiyorum nas\u0131l davran\u0131r\u0131m. Ama babamdan b\u00f6yle g\u00f6rd\u00fcm diye ayn\u0131 \u015feyleri yapmam, \u00e7ocu\u011fuma da ya\u015fatmam.<\/strong> Empati hayat\u0131n her alan\u0131nda \u00e7ok \u00f6nemli.\u00a0 Aynalama \u00e7ok \u00f6nemli. Nedenini bilmek \u00f6nemli. Duygunu ifade edebilmek \u00f6nemli. Sevdi\u011fini, \u015fefkatini, ba\u011f\u0131\u015flay\u0131c\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6stermek \u00f6nemli. Her \u015fey ge\u00e7er gider, an\u0131lar bile silinir, kokun ve duygun kal\u0131r.<\/p>\n Bazen iyi ki Alzheimer diyorum annem i\u00e7in, unutmak g\u00fczel \u015fey…<\/p>\n He annem d\u00fcnyan\u0131n en iyi kad\u0131n\u0131, babam d\u00fcnyan\u0131n en k\u00f6t\u00fc adam\u0131 m\u0131yd\u0131, asla. \u00d6yle \u00f6\u011frenmi\u015fti, \u00f6yle g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc, sevgisiz b\u00fcy\u00fcm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc, yapacak bir \u015feyi yoktu, onu se\u00e7mi\u015fti.\u00a0 Allahtan o ku\u015fa\u011f\u0131n sonu geldi. Yeni ku\u015fak \u00e7ok bilin\u00e7li. Okuyan, \u00f6\u011frenen, g\u00fczel evlatlar b\u00fcy\u00fcten bir s\u00fcr\u00fc anne baba tan\u0131yorum, seviniyorum.<\/p>\n \u015eimdi vicdanl\u0131, \u015fahane bir e\u015fim var. O\u011fluna tam zamanl\u0131 ebeveynlik yap\u0131yor. Ev i\u015flerinde yard\u0131m ediyor. Onun da \u00e7ocuklu\u011fu berbat ge\u00e7mi\u015f. Neler neler ya\u015fam\u0131\u015f. Ancak iyile\u015fmek ve evlad\u0131na babal\u0131k yapmak i\u00e7in 10 y\u0131ll\u0131k i\u015finden vazge\u00e7mi\u015f bir baba. G\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc aktarmamak i\u00e7in elinden geleni yapt\u0131, yap\u0131yor da. T\u00fcm kalbimle ona inan\u0131yorum.<\/p>\n G\u00f6rsel: Jonathan Borba<\/a><\/strong>\u00a0adl\u0131 ki\u015finin\u00a0Pexels<\/a><\/strong>‘daki foto\u011fraf\u0131<\/p>\n Domatesin kabu\u011fuyla yenildi\u011fi zamanlard\u0131… Ertesi g\u00fcn okulun son g\u00fcn\u00fcyd\u00fc. G\u00fczel bir bahar ak\u015fam\u0131yd\u0131. Yatmaya haz\u0131rlan\u0131rken annem yar\u0131n Bar\u0131\u015f Man\u00e7o’nun konserine g\u00f6t\u00fcrece\u011fini s\u00f6yledi. Ah ne sevindim!.. Uyku tutmad\u0131. Hayaller kurdum sabaha kadar… Sabaha kar\u015f\u0131 babam\u0131n jilet gibi i\u00e7 i\u00e7e katlay\u0131p cebine koydu\u011fu iki be\u015flikten birini ald\u0131m. \u00c7ald\u0131m yani. \u00d6nl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmle yatm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m zaten, \u00e7antam\u0131 al\u0131p evden \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m. Bakkal\u0131n […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":53,"featured_media":8491,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[11,12,32,38],"tags":[118,306,468],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/perihanciragoz.com\/dijitaltopuklar\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8490"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/perihanciragoz.com\/dijitaltopuklar\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/perihanciragoz.com\/dijitaltopuklar\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/perihanciragoz.com\/dijitaltopuklar\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/53"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/perihanciragoz.com\/dijitaltopuklar\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8490"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/perihanciragoz.com\/dijitaltopuklar\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8490\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/perihanciragoz.com\/dijitaltopuklar\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8491"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/perihanciragoz.com\/dijitaltopuklar\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8490"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/perihanciragoz.com\/dijitaltopuklar\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8490"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/perihanciragoz.com\/dijitaltopuklar\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8490"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/h6>\n
Dijital Topuklar’da yaz\u0131lan yaz\u0131lar, yazar\u0131n bak\u0131\u015f a\u00e7\u0131s\u0131 ve fikirlerini yans\u0131tmakta olup, Dijital Topuklar’\u0131n g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015flerini temsil etmeyebilir.<\/h6>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"